15 graduating seniors from the class of 2021 will be picked at random to attend this year’s in-person graduation ceremony in Fairmount Park, according to an email from Upper School Director Chris Singler this afternoon.

“We are so sorry that the rest of the class will not be permitted to physically attend,” writes Chris, citing safety concerns related to the COVID-19 pandemic. “Luckily, we will be connecting the cameras from our Upper School classrooms to a community Zoom room, so everyone graduating from home will feel included.”

Said cameras were installed in the Upper School when students returned to FSS in a hybrid learning model this past fall. “We all know that our state-of-the-art camera system makes virtual students truly feel as if they are inside the room with their peers,” says C.C. Servon ‘21, “so we really can’t complain about using them for graduation too.”

Most seniors are “surprisingly nonchalant” about the announcement, according to Student Body President Peter Ryan ‘21. “At this point, senior year has been so completely ruined that nothing fazes us anymore. We’ve learned to expect the worst.”

On the bright side, Chris notes in his email that the new Fairmount Park locale provides an exciting opportunity for the school to live out its motto of “in the city, of the city.”

The names of the lucky students selected to attend will be announced at the end of the week in a senior class meeting.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece and is not factually accurate.