Paranoia, dejection, and despair ran rampant throughout the Friends Select community after numerous accounts of missing dollar bills came into the limelight. Never before has something so financially devastating happened at Friends Select School (in the City and of the City). As the school awaits multilateral aid, reporters from the esteemed FSS Falcon have retrieved multiple accounts from members of the school.

“I don’t think there’s anything we can do about it. There’s no hope in sight,” the jaded Mark Aaronson ‘21 sighs after reading the second email about another lost and forgotten dollar bill. “What’s next, a penny?!” 

“There goes our funding…” says Jessie Littman ‘21, a member of the soccer team.

Further questioning has revealed that this incident has disheartened the faculty and staff as well. “It’s been really hard to find joy in these dark times. Running these T-Tests just isn’t the same anymore. Heck, not even a 2-PropZInt puts a smile on my face!” confesses Herb Kerns, statistics savant. 

“No comment,” states renowned faculty member [NAME REDACTED]. 

UPDATE: After careful thought and discussion, the Friends Select community will be having not one, but three Meetings for Worship to empower our students after these troubling times. We believe in the Quaker values of respect for all, simplicity, the peaceful resolution of conflict, and a constant search for truth. We believe truth cannot be dictated, it has to be discovered. We ask questions. We spark curiosity. Then we empower students to explore. Donate now to Friends Select.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece and is not factually accurate.