Breaking @ The Pigeon: Annie Rupertus ’21 Illiterate

Students and teachers alike were shocked when the Rupertus family revealed that their oldest child, a star student and bibliophile extraordinaire, Annie Rupertus ‘21, does not know how to read. Annie is a Scholastic Regional Writing Award recipient, talented bullet journalist and blogger, and Editor-in-Chief of The Falcon.

“This secret has been tearing us apart,” wrote the Ruperti clan in an open letter to their friends and family. “After a decade of lies and deception, it’s time to come clean.” The news stunned Friends Select students who thought they knew the real Annie. “I’m still reeling,” said Rachel Luce ‘21. Izzy Ebede ‘21 asks the question on all of our minds: “What else could she be hiding from us?”

Annie’s teachers are baffled as well. “Annie has written so many wonderful articles for The Falcon, and her Instagram is full of these beautifully curated pictures of books. I just assumed that meant she was a big reader,” says Falcon supervisor Zoë Blatt. Matthew Rosen, who teaches Annie’s Magical Realism class, also commented on her aesthetically pleasing Instagram, but adds: “Come to think of it, I’ve never actually seen Annie reading any of those books.”

But how did she get away with such a big secret for so many years? “I just kind of memorized what the more common words looked like,” says Annie. “I don’t actually know how to sound any of them out. Even the alphabet escapes me at times.” However, Annie doesn’t regret a thing: “Maybe convincing someone you can do something is just as valuable as being able to do it.”

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece and is not factually accurate.