The Pigeon: Friends Select Administration to Revoke “Unnecessary” Asynchronous Wednesday


The Friends Select administration released a statement on Monday to do away with the “unnecessary” asynchronous Wednesday. 

Upper School Director Chris Singler’s statement says: “We have come to the conclusion, as a community, that there is no need for an asynchronous Wednesday and for that matter, in keeping with our alma maters phrase ‘home and school in one,’ students should come to school for an extra day, creating a more intimate bond with their teachers and peers.” 

While the asynchronous day has given students some extra time off, Wednesdays have proved to be much more useful when students are in class and learning rather than learning or zooming from home. Chris said that the recent slew of weeks without asynchronous days “proves the utter absurdity of the four day week, our community works just as well without the day off.”  

The administration doesn’t stop there, continuing the statement saying they will be nixing Saturdays altogether and implementing “second Friday,” on which students come in on the day previously known as Saturday and repeat what was done on Friday. The administration does address the issue of summer break with a brief clause, in short, stating; “legal matters are being weighed” but the school wants its community to “keep them in their hearts and mind” while away from the physical building.” 

As a final blow to students’ and teachers’ free time, all time-off after spring break will be nonconsecutive, single day “personal days.”

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece and is not factually accurate.