5 Ways You Should’ve Known in Middle School

Disclaimer: This satirical article was written by a bisexual woman.

1. You’re “just really interested” in LGBTQ+ rights.

Every time you were allowed to choose the topic of a school project, you made it about LGBTQ+ rights. Every essay had to be about gay marriage. Every visual aid had to involve a pride flag. And you really stretched it sometimes. Remember that presentation on the FDA’s nutrition guidelines? The plate really had to be rainbow, huh?

2. You wear strange things.

You had the oversized clip-on earrings. You had the wrinkled plaid shirts. You insisted on wearing cowboy boots in gym class. You insisted on swimming in shorts and a shirt with a one-piece underneath them, along with your athletic watch, which you constantly bragged about because it could go underwater. You made every effort to somehow wear every decade in a single outfit. Each Tuesday, you wore a different blazer. And yes, you even forced the moniker “Blazer Tuesdays”.

3. You involve yourself in LGBTQ+ advocacy “as an ally”.

You joined the LGBTQ+ club at school. Maybe you joined it earlier than your school allowed. Maybe you even ran the club. You fought your classmates tooth and nail about various corporations. You wrote to politicians about their homophobia. Somehow, you are still upset that they never responded. You did all of this while priding (ha) yourself on being the, quote, “best ally”.

4. People around you have started dropping hints.

“So, um, are there any…people…you like?” Your friends and aunts trod lightly on the subject of romance, offering vague, gender-non-specific questions. Your sibling started going, “Oh, look!” and pointing at pride flags when you guys went on walks. Your cousin Josie tagged all your cousins except you in a post about each type of cousin and has left the “gay cousin” column blank. Nice going, Josie.

5. You like women.

No, it does not make you the “best ally”.

Bonus: How to Know You’re Straight

Why are you on here, then? Nice try.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece and is not factually accurate.